Lying on a cold and icy deck in Cloudcroft in late December

Well this has been an amazing past few weeks for my life and my spiritual journey. God is so, so incredibly good beyond all belief. It was one year ago this week that I stopped helping out at The Edge. It dawned on me pretty quickly how much of my identity was caught up in being a youth leader at Trinity (more on that later).

This past year (September 2008 to September 2009) has been one heck of a journey. Making one of the worst mistakes that I could ever possibly make; waking up to regret, shame and guilt on a daily basis. Running from the Father who waited so patiently with His arms wide open. Wanting God to no longer exist, denying his existence in an attempt to convince myself that I didn’t have to live with this regret or this sin. Inching closer and closer to self-destruction, doing things that I should have never done, acting in ways that did not reflect Christ in me but rather the exact opposite.

It was late December, my friends and I had escaped Lubbock for three days to enjoy nature and to breathe in the fresh air of the mountains. It was while lying on that cold, wet and icy deck, reeking of tobacco and alcohol, that I felt hopelessly lost, hopelessly wandering into nothingness. Wishing it would all end, wanting to end it all. In the world I had created I removed God; I swam in a sea of shame and guilt, which led to bad habits and a lifestyle that did not reflect my Savior and my God. The way I talked, the way I acted, my heart was filled with anger and resentment, I truly lacked love.

It’s been a year of hard lessons, lessons that should not have had to been learned this way. I’m not writing this for you to feel sorry for me; I don’t want or need pity. I brought this upon myself; I didn’t listen to the advice and council of friends. I neglected my relationship with God. I ran as far away as I could but the Fathers love and grace was still there. I made mistakes along this journey and I suffered in multiple areas of life (spiritually, physically, emotionally) but I am still in this journey; I have a new focus and a new direction. My identity is no longer wrapped up in where I go to school, where I go to church, where I help out at, or where I work at. My identity is found in Christ, my worth comes from Him. My focus is shifting, from myself to completely on God, I still fail but I strive to become more like our amazing Father.

So if I have tagged you, it is because you played a role in acting as God, loving me and caring for me, checking on me, being there for me. Letting me spill my guts out to you. Know that I love you and that I thank you, without our interactions (no matter how few or many) I don’t know where I would be today.

All glory and honor to our Father above,
Grace and Peace.